After 51 Years of Marriage . . .

My Aunt told a story of her coming home from shopping. She said, “I’m so tired, I can hardly stand up.” My uncle said “Why don’t you sit down?” Women talk about feelings, men fix things.

Women have smaller brains, but same number of nerve cells. There are more connections between the lobes. Men have larger brains, but fewer connections.

Women are aware of their feelings. Men ignore them.

A man can be angry, sad or upset and not know it.

Women help men open their minds to their feelings. Men help women close them.

In marriage we build on our strengths while each deals with their weaknesses.

A husband’s oxygen is respect. A wife’s oxygen is affection.

Polarity between the genders is fun. Have a few secrets. Be mysterious. Be intriguing.

There is a vast difference between sin and style. Keep your list of sins small.

Keep your debt burden low. Lots of debt adds a hidden tension to all other activities in the home that we are not always aware of.

Arguments after 9 PM don’t go well. One way to “not let the sun go down on your wrath” is to agree to meet later.

Say truthful things. This is not a sign of weakness. Truth sets us free (John 8:32).

Avoid saying things like, “You always” or “You never . . .”

Fighting with your spouse is not the same as fighting for your marriage. One is normal, the other is noble.

The language of contempt is the language of divorce.

Spouses make lousy therapists. If we bring deep, buried hurts to a marriage, there are good, solid resources out there to sort those things out.

Mature Christians are easy to live with.

Paul gave a list of priorities in Eph 4-6

Jesus is first (Eph 4:1 to 5:1-19

Husband and wife, or marriage, comes second, Eph 5:20-33

Children are third, Eph 6:1-4

Household, masters-slaves, work, earning a living, fourth, Eph 6:5-9

Ministry, spiritual warfare, comes last when the other things are in place.

Eph 6:10-20

Some marriages are “high function” or “high maintenance” marriages. They achieve much, but require daily effort not to drift apart. They have to make time to talk, get help, attend seminars, listen to podcasts, consult with a Pastor or get counsel, in spite of their busy schedules. Many modern marriages seem to fall into that category.

Leaders set the example in the family by being servants. This does not imply disrespect.. “If you want to be great in God’s kingdom . . . be the servant of all.” Mark 9:35, Matthew 20:26-28

Some of the things we did:

I don’t listen to Betsy very well, so after an argument, I write things down.

I married an extremely competent, fiercely committed woman with great depth. Often, I make sure she has the tools for her job and stay out of her way.

I will always be grateful to her for staying home to be with our kids and managing our household on one, blue collar paycheck, and for managing our home while I went back to school to further my career.

Betsy listens to Christian radio, s.a Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, for insights into our home. I became a student of Solomon to make better decisions.

I took a job overseas for a while. Adventures are good for a marriage.

When a wife tells her husband they are having a marriage problem, his best response goes something like this. (This script was the result of a multi-step process):

“I agree, we are not doing well. Here are my ideas.”

1) Let’s set aside some alone time to hear each other out.

2) Next, here’s a list of Christ centered podcasts, books, radio shows, and/or ministries that help modern couples. Give me any names or resources you feel good about.

3) If those don’t work, we’ll discuss seeing a counselor we both feel good about.

4) Non-christian resources can also be considered.

This tells her you are willing to own the problem and face it head on, rather than shrug it off.

While there are lots of good answers out there, scripture offers transcendent truth; ideas that apply in every era, to every person, everywhere. They have stood the test of time.

When Jesus was in the garden He submitted to the will of the Father, he was giving us the idea of the submission of equals. Secular thinking sees only oppressor and oppressed. In Christ, both members of a marriage are of equal value and have an equal say. The husband is not better, and he may not have all the answers, but he is responsible for the over all well being of the home. He may have to be the one to break the tie. His job is manager, not dictator.

When Adam and Eve fell, God asked Adam first, “What happened?” Then He asked Eve. The Devil came last. The husband is the guardian. He is the one on the front porch with the shotgun, telling someone to get off the property, now! That’s his job, not hers.

When Sarai submitted to Abram’s bad idea, God took her side. (Gen 20)

A Christian Church, by its very nature, commits to helping its members mature in their faith. A pastor who gives a sermon stands as a neutral, third party who adds to a couple’s tool box of ideas every Sunday.

Pray together about things.

Practice “Mercy and Truth,” Proverbs 3:3.

Proverbs talks about a “word in due season” (Prov 15: 23). There are seasons in a person’s life. A word like a seed, can land on frozen ground, but later the person’s “season” can change and a single word can go right in.

Don’t do evil to get what you want. This is the oldest trick in the book (Gen 3:1-6).